10/1

i got nothing. i got no education no benefits to cash in my pocket. ah woman the consumption machineburns what i would have owned. there are babies an they cry. there is the old man, the father, great grey dad wounder of hearts (yes i can see mother's tears in the full moon rain) is he the instructor? is he, this abandoning machine, the depression machine, the cheater of marriages the billowing smoke stack of back alley man the leader of me?
there was grandpa the drunk resurrected. maybe our 1/4 danish 1/4 indian 1/2 poor american blood runs best on grain alcohol. my brother the resurrection of success, the only success of this great american brood, runs on whiskey and beer an it has the same effects of rocket fuel. my brother the dad, my brother the inverse, the abandoned, the abused the tender heart always in furious reaction or sighing acceptance of his bruised love is full of cash, is full of excelerance the grand teacher no television he leads his son through the belly of the city through the museums trying to give him an idea of something more.
there is william the bored. always wandering always moaning 'dad dad' always leaning his sweet cheek against me kissing breathing in our time an there is me the work horse. the six days a week mail machine. there is me the failure, the talent burned, the education wasted always take tenacity over talent, always take studiousness over intelligence.
there is me. the poison machine, the baptized the tested. nothing is good enough.
there is me the miles of highway. the long nights of cigarettes booze singing to a guitar player screaming absurd poems with the piano machine as he tugged long beard with lithe nimble alaskan fingers.
we never made it.
there is the finish line.
there is the marriage.
for what a woman sacrifices she ought to be paid.
there is woman, the employee embarrassed by her salary and benefits. there is woman who tries to come to grips between the idea of so many suitors to the reality of her decision.
by god listen to your wallet. marriage is a hot fire that burns what you give it. when you can't feed it dollars, when you can't feed it long shopping trips, elegant sedans can't feed it the exemplar house and furniture when all you can feed it is yourself sooner than later your left with just your bones.
i can hear the night filled with wishes of things.
i can imagine the future of children joining the choir.
everybody wants something. most times they deserve it too.
god blows a heavy gale.
god blows without a map.
god blows this ship through the dark waters.
god blows and though were desperate with fear
god blows and we know land is out there somewhere.
god is good.
the great invisible credit machine.
an if we don't find land well that means were just supposed to be fishes.
either way god is good.
an all we know is forward.
onward.
to the future!
heart beating wants as the zombies laugh smile rot in the satisfaction of what they achieved.
you see dear, my family's fortune is in dreams.
brother dreamed to the top of bank tower.to feature film production.
sister dreaming to top of make up artist to beverly hills million dollar home.
dad dreamed i can't see them but i think it's to be better.
mom dreamed to love and confidence
all from idaho nothing snake river tubeathons.
an i dreamed of family roots of security and a home dreamed of a place for kids to grow to not move to have life long pals home teams and history.
an i dreaming of a secret that was whispered somewhere along the road. the prophecy recieved one summer day in the fury of youth while listening to the radio.
dream on
dream on!