9/25

micheal mustoff is a collection of wires. well a wiry man, thin man whose full hair dances in the devil breeze of the santa anna winds. he is clean shaven, no glasses, fresh clean khaki pants and golf shirt. mustoff drives an expensive sports car. mustoff has the latest cellular phone. mustoff always has a beautiful woman on his arm. mr. mustoff has a never ending supply of money.
micheal mustoff a vegetarian and once president of National Association of Healthy Living is now considered a benedict arnold. in the words of the NAHL 'mr. mustoff is a turn coat, and in these halls he has another name...judas.'
judas mustoff is the creator of healthy ideas. healthy ideas is the company that invented the positive affirmation containers. positive affirmation containers are used in every fast food restaurant in the world, are used to cover every soda can and candy bar. they cover junk food, fast food, all the food that is considered unhealthy.
now you must be wondering what it is that they do?
well let me tell you, dear reader, the p.a.c. contains a few simple phrases like 'you deserve', or 'working hard? treat yourself' or 'every once in awhile is not so bad, especially for somebody who is always on the go.', when the container is open.
consider that you are on the go and have forgotten your lunch at home, well you just pull into the drive through get your burger and fries. when you pull over, ready to tuck into your meal you feel that small tinge of guilt over the damage you are going to do to your body. how your trainer or wife or whomever in your life would be standing right now at the window, or behind you waving one finger in your face saying 'tsk tsk' or just giving you the eye of general disappointment. you pause, bag on your lap, considering the pros and cons how when you get home, if you make it before your partner, you have to either eat your lunch or throw the bag away then when they come home and ask how your day was will you spill the beans? will you go to the garbage open the can and show them the offending trash, tell all through tears and then have to listen to all the rhetoric about 'you work so hard on this', or that 'a diet is hard, that is why nobody likes to do it.' or even in extreme cases how your partner grabs all your clothes, your 'skinny jeans' and throws them into the garbage or for even more dramatics places them in the fireplace and sets fire to them screaming in your face 'failure!'.
these images can make one stop, put the bag on the floor and go through the day hungry, just drink water. so that when they get home they can explain, they can get the pat on the back from the spouse/partner/trainer about how 'we hate to lose money but it's worth the lesson' and then you can high five, get a free session or make sweet love finally able to be on top and act like the dominate man that you are.
these ideas of reward would usually be enough to put the bag down, to return to work. but with mr. mustoff the bag comes playing a fun song, that in fifteen seconds from being handed off starts spouting affirmations of your purchase.
'hey buddy, mmm hmmm these fries smell good, you deserve to treat yourself.'
'let's crack open this bag and taste these golden, delicious rewards.'
'it's your life, your the man, open us up and take what you deserve.'
once the bag is open then there is the hamburger:
'hamburger? or ham delicious? you decide. if i had to be eaten, i'm glad it's by you, because you deserve it.'
the fries chime in:
'nothing goes better with that burger than these guys right here. dip and enjoy!'
followed by the soda:
'and end with a tasty slurp of your's truly. you're a man with a busy schedule, the man, the bring home the bacon man. a man like you deserves to feel full.'
and so they go, on and on cheering each bite and celebrating the trip from garbage can to the recycle factory.
'let us serve our righteous call, and make our way to heaven.'
now full or with a mouth full you call your trainer/partner/spouse and it's them with the tears. your a man 'damn it' your a man who likes his soda and hamburger, your a man who isn't going to eat 'any more rabbit food.' your the man who 'enjoys the view from the top and so tonight i'm going to take what i want.'
your the man who will leave the grease stains, the ketchup stains, your them man who slowly begins to spill out of his clothes. soon, instead of just a quick lunch you're making a pit stop for breakfast, for lunch, snack on the way home from dinner. soon enough you have the frequent fooder card that runs your name into the machine, the messages tailored fit, the p.a.c representative is using your life as a case study. soon men across the country are going to be hearing your personally selected positive affirmations soon enough they will see your picture on the container soon enough it will be your testimonials spouting from the drive through boards before the order is taken.
judas mustoff has a private jet. he goes to fiji for breakfast, lunch in costa rica and dinner in jamacia. mr. mustoff, micheal is never at home. he keeps an arms length from america, from his company his product his results, ruling from webcast aboard the plane. he notices, judas, the weight his employees are putting on. he notices the news when they talk about profit margins, how 'americans are eating at home less and less.', he notices the obesity rates sky rocketing.
'we never felt better,' they say and soon he is getting calls from other avenues. there is the p.a.c. for booze, for cigarettes, cable boxes and new cars. soon prostitutes and strippers carry speakers that transmit through certain fm frequencies their specials.
micheal mustoff reads the news papers. he knows that marriages are not crumbling but promiscuity is rising. he hears about the failure of the olympic sprinters to qualify. how the athlete's once solid frame is now starting to spill over split their lycra uniform. he hears the calls to asterisk the previous generations for drug abuse as home run records how world records all records are farther and farther ahead of the current leader.
there is the call to shorten the football field, to decrease the sports quarters, to make baseball four innings and the decimation of all classes but the heavy weight class.
he sees american farmers pushing aside all other crops save weight, corn, potato. how cattle, pig and chicken farms are exploding being overwhelmed by the demand of fast food chains.
mr. mustoff is shrinking as the countries waistline is expanding. he watches the news via satellite seeing the NAHL's headquarters burned, seeing vegetarians being forced to flee north to canada or south to mexico. he see's all this and somewhere above the pacific as the sun sets judas mustoff hangs himself.
there is a period of national mourning as he is laid to rest, in the brand new p.a.c. coffin that plays muzak while a soft voice confirms, 'you lived a good life, you were somebody special.'
it is at this nationally televised event that the signal is hacked, that a computer graphics genius had mustoff leap from the coffin as others leapt from their grave and began zombieing the attendants. it is this attempt at dark humor that caused the country a mass fatal heart attack that killed 65% of the country.
it would have killed the computer hacker too, if not for the fact his rifle was new from p.a.c and when he went to point it at his head he heard it say, 'hey nothing is that bad. let's go shoot some deer instead, kill dear and make sweet love to a beautiful woman. how about it?'