9/29-am pm

i had not always been so fat. like most, i have lost and rediscovered my weight over the period of a lifetime. my mother was a great fan of diets and so it began. at the age of three it was the grapefruit diet, then the no sugar diet, off to the all things blended diet we circled around weight watchers hearing the tales of woe how, 'people asked me how i kept my tan in the winter and i was embarrassed to respond, fridge light.' i moved through periods of great mourning. i sobbed the loss of ice cream, over sugar cereal, weep openly for the loss of birthday cake, 'this year let's exchange that nasty white carb for a good skim milk pudding.'
my childhood was lost to diet rite's and wheat thin crackers.
though we starved the weight was slow to come off. though we starved and i rode a bicycle everywhere the weight was slow to come off. every doctor talked of metabolism speed. it was the time of ronald regan and we were all innocent.
it was while studying he-man that i first came across my theory. it was not until i was an adult that i had the capital to chase down the answer. so let's us fast forward through the embarrassment of double rolls of adult size large t-shirts that hung past the knees. let's us move past lonely dances where i could only dance to the fast songs.
oh an appology to the toes of molly brown who were trampled during a pity slow song. oh molly of auburn eyes we can pull off the freeway to glance once more at your tender tanned moon face. those thin lips pulled back to reveal the youth of big teeth highlighting doe eyes with long lash bating morse code to the heart of burning young man.
ah molly, in a time of rap songs when we cheered hollard and sped through the seattle streets from dance class to theater to coffee shops where at 12-13 we discussed pop culture in latin. amazing how a dead language can be used to discuss such things as mario bros. or new kids on the block.
when we had to dance i would wear my father's shirts. his billowing bush pilot dress shirt made a sharp cut as it blanketed my huge stomach. i had a hard belly, a veteran of the war. looking down i could only see the tips of toes, bending was with the effort of loud grunts and reascending took a hearty sigh causing color to tinge the cheeks.
but we are passed that. we are moving to 21 when i came into a summer full of money. a recent car accident had left me with one broken leg and six thousand dollars cash. i limped from 14th and high to the eugene bus station. i gave the bag to the handler, took my seat on my way to alabama.
it was with serial numbers that i found my opposite. it was with the help of how long that i discovered how to trace serial numbers in order to find my opposite. it was the idea of a different universe, it was the idea of eternia and prince adam beceoming he-man that i stumbled upon the idea.
we are both the best and worst of ourselves. we are striving for the best of ourselves. but for every action there is a reaction. for every ounce we lose somebody gains. it was while dreaming of what happens to he-man while adam is adam that i stumbled on the idea of opposites. one person finds a sock when you lose it, one person finds an ounce when you lose it. when you feel like stuffing your face it's not because you have no will power, it's because your opposite is enacting theirs.
when talking of nature one always hears of the idea of balance. if you are in contact with your opposite and you discuss the idea of balance you two may come into that perfect balance and your lives will be exemplar in their ordinariness. if you do not know your opposite your idea of balance will actually be throwing the system out of whack, so that you come to become an extreme.
think of how great everybody say's jesus is. can you imagine how terrible his opposite is?
it was while studying the path of lost things that i discovered my opposite was in alabama. it was following this idea that i discovered that most hollywood stars keep their opposites in a studio village, a town called millwaukie oregon. it is here that they are given the mirror opposite life of the movie star in order to keep said star in shape and ready for action. it was this discovery that lead me to the only person who believes in the old adage, 'keep your friends close and your enemies closer', that person? oprah, her opposite gail is kept by her side so that they can test theory in order to find the perfect balance. oprah balloons in weight gail shrinks or oprah has to increase because she is the wage earner and gail shrinks because she has to. she has to have no money in order to cause the scale to shift so dramatically.
while many things have come to pass and many ideas have come to be proven it all started to unravel in birmingham alabama.
alabama is a true shit hole, for anyone that has a sense of civilized life. it is as if all the weight and uncultured life that shed from the gay man came sliding into this dump of a town. why i saw a man eating squirrel and a woman whose breasts hung out the bottom of her shirt.
children ran wild through the streets, their home made hair cuts flopping in the wind as they screamed and waved dead rabbits in the air.
it was amongst all this that i found him, and at that point in our life, he was fabulous. charles sterling was well on his way to a corporate position at the bank. he drove to work in a e class brandy colored with white leather interior. charles had a fresh hair cut and wore his tie with a windsor knot. the impossible knot whose secrets have only been revealed to the best and brightest.
charles sterling feet easily into a size 34 waist and his 195 lbs seemed to be molded to his 6'4" body. there was no wedding ring on his finger but while following him i discovered the town's princess cynthia mcelroy was long blonde thin and on his arm. cynthia was perfect with the kind of scent that caused your head to spin.
by god my gain was their gain. his life sparkled like the grease on the wrapper containing the pig tongue that i consumed.
by god in the south i ate. charles sterling, was later discovered, to be on a liquid diet in order to make a good impression on the men of birmingham calender. so as he lifted weights, ran sprints down the track and made love to cynthia i ate, lazied and masturbated my way through the streets and days of this town.
now, dear reader, you may be asking yourself 'how could i be so sure that sterling was my man?' and you would be right to ask such a question. but to get into the mathematics and science of human reasoning that chased the serial numbers that traced mileage to find the exact reverse of myself would be too copious an effort as to make one lean towards suicide. so unless you want to read the 32000 page opus 'the birmingham effect' i would lean on the old adage of trust me.
so i stalked charles i covered his track, walked his path lived his life like a shadow lives yours. by god when he starved i fought the balance of the scale of life and starved. it would be a test of wills and if we both were equals we would give up at the same time.
when cynthia came i would seduce a big fat broad or go get a prostitute and when he went to work at the bank i would go to work at my new job, credit union teller. as time passed, as summer days began to fall i grew ansy. the effects were subtle but not enough to show a true connection. i needed to speed it up, create something dramatic, provable...give him some of this damn weight for once!
so it was while he was whistling the night away, talking a walk along the pond that lined his property, that i handsome jefferson came up behind and clonked his head with a brick.
tied up in the hotel room chair, charles sterling, would meet his opposite. he had the face of angel slumped forward, dried line of blood down his forehead as i paced the floor wondering how to make such an introduction.

2.
charles sterling could not keep his balance. so as the birmingham moon came creeping through hotel window it caught a glimpse of one of the town's shining stars leering over and crashing down while tied to a chair.
i could not contain the laughter that caused my stomach to jiggle chilling my flesh as the sweat cold shirt stains landed on new patches of skin.
'ah, so you must be wondering how you got here. so you must be wondering who i am. well let me start from the beginning.'
as i spoke from the rough draft notes, that would become my non fiction best seller previously mentioned, i could see a glimmer of understanding spring to light. he tapped his finger against the wood of the chair in what seemed ( to my amateur understanding of morse code) to be a message of congratulations.
as i graciously accepted the compliments of his tapping, i turned him towards the corner table where i had placed a delicious pile of pizza, soda, subsandwiches and blocks of cheese.
'what we are going to do, mr. sterling, is trade weight. you are going to consume that pile of food, then when you are done you are going to call up your beautiful girlfriend and break up following that you are going to quit your job and move to eugene oregon. if you refused to do that i will club you to death with this brick.'
he flops his neck about and waggles his fingers in protest.
'now, now, you see you have had the best of our connection. while you excelling, while you were gaining fortune, muscles and the company of beautiful women i was wallowing in the gutter. you see while you were gaining, i was just gaining weight.'
there was a cacophony of insects and wild hogs mating that rode upon the night and into one's ear.
charles sterling waggled and bopped from his position on the floor.
'yes i understand that you get certain bonus points for having to spend your entire life in alabama, i mean, by god i wouldn't bury an opossum here. well neither would you from the looks of the daily special board.'
god i am witty. i know that a woman must judged from the outside in. she must judge as if it is the father of her child. i don't blame her, if i had to be the one that got pregnant i wouldn't sleep with anyone whose bank balance i didn't get emailed to me every morning. i know, i know that it isn't all about money, but when you see a big fat mess like handsome jefferson your mind trails to a tiny handsome being teased on the playground, to having to play lineman in football to the wretched life of the overweight.
so while this sterling is living it up i have to wait for the woman that is the care taker. the woman who will take the time to look at the inside, to judge not the books cover but to read the contents in full. this is not the woman who has the beautiful breasts. this is not the woman with the flowing hair and fine clothes. the woman who understands the principals of pleasure. no, just like most of us can not afford a fine european car, most of us can not afford these women, and if by chance we were allowed an opportunity for one of these ladies we wouldn't even know what to do with them.
by god there is so much to think about.
charles sterling, lying on the floor taping out his fear of diabetes, his family history of high blood pressure all the while staring down the barrel of a large pepperoni and sausage pizza. this man he has lived his whole life with these options. he is the man who gets the fine european car, or whatever passes for said car in alabama. this charles sterling understands what it takes to be important to be thin, wealthy and ready for anything. maybe, in our union, there is a reason he has been chosen for his task.
as i am thinking a hoot owl crashes down through the window and grabs a footlong meatball sub. my mind wanders as i watch it move away down towards the invisible horizon line.
who could live in such a place. i stare at charles sterling. i study the perfection of his face, those piercing blue eyes like frozen steel, the close clipped auburn hair. if standing he would raise to the magnificent height of 6'4" slim, athletic, a man made for success. such a beast would be wasted if the scales were turned.
'i am sorry charles.' and with that i pulled his chair bound form from the ground and began to release his bindings.
when he had been released, instead of smashing my nose in, hollering for help or just rushing out the door, charles sterling stayed seated.
'you know, my friend, i am impressed with your study. as i was bound, i began thinking this is a man who has truly suffered the slings and arrows. this is a man who knows what it takes to survive. just look at him, he probably couldn't afford a stead dinner if you spotted him the potato.
'this sad sack of a man, why, he is my hero. handsome, you are the fullback for our team. without you clearing the way i would never have been able to score so many touchdowns or rush for so many yards. maybe you are right...'
we sat across from each other rubbing our faces, he were he had been clubbed and me dabbing the sauce from my chin. though the silence did not last for a high piercing scream came resounding through the broken window as a hawk appeared.
'it has to be too late for this,' i said.
'you know the slogan for birmingham?' he said, as the hawk grasped a piece of pizza and retreated to the night.
'no, what is it?'
'it's always the right time for a free meal', and we both laughed.
there was a general warmth between us, as if two halves of a broken quarter had finally been reunited.
'handsome,' he spoke arising from the chair and grasping my hand, 'i want to give you a gift.'
'really?'
he held my hand helping me rise from the metal folding hotel chair. as our eyes met he placed his free hand on my shoulder.
'yes, this is going to be the year of handsome.'
'you can't mean...'
'shh, for the next twelve months we are going to switch positions. i am going to grow fat, i am going to grow slack at my job, by god i am going to live life as if i was the laziest man on the planet.'
as he spoke i could feel my heart leaping from it's cage in my chest and smashing against the yellow wall of warden fat.
'but what if you lose your way. i mean oprah was never skinny.'
he stood quiet. my knees began to buckle as he turned his magnificent profrile from the window and stared deep into my eyes. he stared so deep that if there is a soul, my soul began to stir.
'it's a risk worth taking.'
'you sir, are worth your weight in gold.'
'now we have a tradition in the south, that every deal is consummated by making love.'
i do not have to tell you, that charles sterling was a tender man. he was a man of passion but he is never overtaken and i swear by all that is holy he is a man who waits for his partner to be satisfied until he is finished.
while we lay there discussing the possibilities that lay before me there was a loud holler and the door caved in. i screamed as a shotgun blast screamed through the air and right into charles sterling's chest. i screamed and leapt for the window, falling two stories into a rhododendron. i lept from the bush just as the wild pig gnashed for my pants as i had stirred it from it's slumber.
from there i ran. i ran to the nearest tree and climbed all the way to the top so that if you were on a street in birmingham and looked up you would have thought there was an eclipse.
after two hours clinging to the tree in terror sleep, as it always will, began to creep in. i do not know when i feel from the tree but i do know i woke in the hospital bed my leg cast and a patch over my right eye.
i was told by the friendly gentleman to my right, that they had to pull the snake from the empty socket where once my eye had been. you see while i was unconscious a wild chicken had pecked out my right eye and in the absence of being filled by an eye the opening was taken by a small gardener snake.
'do you know a man by the name charles sterling?' i asked.
'oh yeah, terrible thing, shot by his fiance for having a gay fling with some foreigner. they think he was german, because apparently the german's have a thing for duct tape.'
'so what happened to him?' i said fearing the worst.
'how would i know?'
'well you knew the first part.'
we lay in battle. the ancient american game of the staring contest, the one honest way to break a man down. he stared with his rotten half filled mouth his eyes red, burning into the depths of you. he was a man on fire as the fire burned with in.
while he stared i mustered all i had to stare back. down an eye was a true disadvantage as i had learned the ancient art of the double twist, a hypnotic suggestion from the eyes that causes one to blink.
as we stared the time fell away, the scenery fell away until it was just his face framed by the black of concentration. it was at this critical moment that i felt the need to pass gas. the sound was near deafening, but the smell worse, as my body grew accustomed to the humidity and cuisine.
'by god, did somebody try to land a seven forty seven in here?' called the wino.
though he did not blink immediately, the smell burned causing a tear to fall and then finally he succumbed. ten hours later i had my answer and was looking for the first bus out of town.

3 in summation

i was not the first for charles sterling. it appears i was duped, as the south does not agree on every deal with sex. charles sterling was a closet homosexual and his fiance had had enough. though she left after the gun shot she did not kill him. charles sterling was a fighter.
when cynthia learned that charles had survived she hired a professional. this man was superior in the art of strangling, in the art of karate and in the art of knife throwing. it was under this umbrella that he arrived in birmingham.
it was told that she waited in their bedroom for the call. that she drove his treasured porsche to the hospital and that she screamed, not like a woman learning of her pending widowhood but as a woman disappointed that she wasn't.
it was here that charles sterling had had enough. he was tired of the double life. he was certain that the double life was ruining the life of your hero and so he made a decision.
the professional opened the door and saw the blood. the professional opened the door and thought the job was done. the professional made a phone call. the professional took his check (though it should be noted that since, he thought, the job was already done he only took eighty percent. as he was an honest man) and disappeared.
what he thought he had seen was actually an operation.
charles sterling was now on his way to hannah sterling. hannah sterling would heal. she would take her families fortune and her now growing plump frame off to florida. she would take her treasured porsche and cash from the home sale and buy a condo in florida.
hannah loved the beach.
it was during this brief period, that i received the postcard.
'enjoy your year cs' was all it said.
the year turned into three months, but what a three months.
it was during this time that i fell in love. it was during this time that she fell in love. it was during this time that i published the book that would make my fortune 'mirror image: how to make your life balanced by finding your balance mate'.
when the weight returned it was almost welcomed. when she did not leave it was most welcomed and 'so tonight, after all this my dear will you marry me?'
'oh my dear,' she says her hazel eyes staring deep into mine, 'oh handsome...'
she said before i blacked out.
i blacked out at 265 lbs obese but not disgusting. i woke at 386 two weeks later. it appears that hannah sterling was out in the atlantic partying. that hannah had consumed three shots of tequilla and copious amounts of cocaine and fallen into the water. charles/hannah sterling was dead.
'it must be an allergic reaction to the drugs,' said the doctor.
there was hazel eyes, she grasped my hand and said 'in for a penny, in for a pound, i do.'
there is hope at last.