8/20

before my father became an old man, before he quit smoking he was known as king wallop. king wallop wore black tights with a golden lightening bolt down each leg, a wrist band on each wrist, black boots with gold accents and long flowing blond hair. he was a barnstormer, traveling with the 'thunder on the mountain wrestling federation'. his matches took him from ontario to sun valley where he dueled the vicious inferno, the terrible squidman and the deadly sandman amongst other local villians. my father's signature move was the lightening strike, where he would grasp the opponent into a headlock, spin their body into a pile driver and then drop them into a pin while the lighting man would flicker the house lights. the crowd would gasp and applaud vivaciously children would hold their wristband arms together forming an 'x' then drop them as the referee counted to three.
his legend was surpassed only by that of j.r. simplot the potato man and joe alberston the grocery king. why if the governor felt his popularity slipping he would call upon king wallop to pin higher taxes and lenient crime bills. what should have been the boon time of the bruce family was anything but. you see king wallop the defender of justice was a true and righteous champion while mr. bruce was frought with expensive tastes. when king wallop would have taken his family to mcdonald's mr. bruce would rather take them to red robin. when king wallop would have taken his children to super cut mr. bruce preferred to call the town's best barber over.
mr. bruce drove his cadillac to the tailor to get his t-shirts altered so that they clung to his pectoral muscles would be seen when they danced.
as the crowds grew, as the legend grew king wallop grew ever more reclusive and mr. bruce became omnipresent. mr. bruce was a window man. he was the creator of the skylight frame and sold to over eighty percent of boise residents. sometimes during the install mr. bruce would disappear and king wallop would show up to 'put a choke hold' on high energy costs.
it was during the summer of my fifth year that my father conferred with king wallop and though there was quite a ruckus, the sound of chairs smashing and the signature 'bring down the lightening!' call, out of the room walked mr. bruce holding two leotards shaped as overalls and two pair of wrestling boots outfitted to look like farming boots while atop our heads he placed a straw hat and in our mouth's he placed corn cobb pipes.
'go change' he commanded my brother and i.
off we went.
the uniform clung to my stomach causing my belly button to look like a shocked eyeball through the fabric. i could hear my mother humming a nervous tune, while my sister played her depeche mode records at an extreme volume. meanwhile my main constituent ted e bear frantically jogged in his cage wheel. spinning to face him, ted e bear, let out a nervous shriek.
'whadda think?' said i.
'squeak squeak' he responded.
a cold chill came across my shoulders, as ted e bear was always a source of support and if he was worried, with the wisdom only a hamster possess then something foul was afoot. mr. bruce paced up and down the halls, his smoke creeping underneath the door and from the way he stepped you could tell his pectorals were bouncing to the rhythm.
my brother lead us out the door looking fit athletic and ever the opposite from your hero.
'i present cain and abel' said my father, mr. bruce.
my mother gasped, the cat leaped and clawed the air and still depeche mode played on.
'tomorrow, in nampa, before king wallop defends his title we will unveil a match of biblical proportions. cain vs abel for the inaugural youth title!'
the pressure on my stomach was too great causing the damn to break and my overalls to dampen. my brother said nothing as he stretched and menaced in front of the mirror and i knew that there would be no taking it easy, that i would have to fight for my life against the greatest athlete idaho has ever produced.
if there was a need for a spiral my brother would throw it, a hundred points in a basketball game he could score it, a perfect baseball game he would pitch it, 100mm freestyle victory throw him in the water and his athletic prowess was only equaled by his rugged good looks and quick wit. why mr. bruce has placed cain in a very untenable position. as harold went to the basketball court to practice with the varisty team i retreated to the room as i took my place upon the floor, tears streaming down my face, my legs and arms wailing in the air it was a squeak that saved me.
turning i saw a focused ted e bear front paws against the glass and in his wood chips he had drawn a ring, a few powerful squeaks later when i positioned the he-man characters i began to dream the american dream, the dream of the underdog who can (but faintly) smell the aroma of victory.
with less than three hours to train, ted e bear abandoned any conditioning for strategy. we positioned prince adam against the most powerful man in the universe. they grimaced and sweat as the two titans clashed. mortal man against superman, it should have been a mismatch, but with every for there is their achilles heel and in due time prince adam found it. as he-man lay defeated, two hours and twenty three minutes later, ted e bear squeaked the motto of the underdog 'persist!' why if you do not give up you can not lose. tomorrow in nampa abel would find a cain that refused to lose, no matter the physical cost. tomorrow in nampa cain would be a hunter in pursuit of his brother, of his achilles heel and the sweetest words in the english tongue...victory!
tune in tomorrow:
will cain once again defeat abel?
will mr. bruce maintain his sway over king wallop?
and much much more!