the loving-4

somethings move like a mudslide and some like a glacier. we held on until friday, we held on until our daughter was standing in the entryway. i held on until i saw her watching debra watching the birds chatter when she used to rush forward grasping, holding, hugging and kissing.

it causes me to drop. the anguish and weight of losing. my tears and gasps for air in time with the grandfather clocks tic toc. i hold my head i try to cover my eyes and mouth but it is for naught. the daughter moves to a hand on my shoulder, moves to hug and whispering. it is dark and warm in her embrace, feeling her love heavy and weighty with the strength of history. i shake and snort while she comforts and yet through this the focus is on the absence. i can hear her mind wondering why mom hasn't rushed to help. i can hear her wonder why mom has yet to say anything.

as the waves of wonder come upon her we double in need of comfort. her skin goose pimples with the chill of fear. my daughter, hannah moves her face that mirror image of her mother's on my shoulder so as to face her mom. i can hear her softly call out 'mom?'.

there is just our breath. there is no sound of movement yet.

granddaughter comes and we try to hide. we cough into our hands rub our eyes stand and talk of everyday things. she skips past, 'grandma', she calls and reaches for debra's hand. they hold each other in silence for a moment then debra turns and looks down, 'hey little darling these birds sure are something today,' she says.

'a lot of talking going on,' my granddaugther says.

debra looks over her should and sees us, red faced and wide teeth baring grins.

'looks like you two are sharing secrets,' she says.

debra glides across the floor and grasps her daughter, she holds, hugs and kisses her head and cheeks.

'so happy,' she says.

this time there is no effort to damn the water and emotion pours out of me, us three.

we are there for too little time then debra says, 'i'm going to make coffee and then we will sit down and you can tell us everything you have been up to.'

as she leaves i can feel hannah, her eyes and they are angry. she is crossing her arms, she is telling me in no certain terms am i to keep this from her again. she is going to her purse and calling her boss, she is taking week leave will work from her lap top.

'we will see the doctor on monday together,' she says.

i try to protest, i tell her it is nothing, a hangover from a bad cold but she will hear nothing of it. i tell her not to put her life on hold, to go home and i will call after the doctor but it is a weak protest and she demands to stay. as she goes into the spare bedroom to call her husband a wave comes over me a warm rush and it is gratitude.

debra hums in the kitchen, hannah comes out moves to her daughter 'hey sweets i have a surprise for you...we are going to stay for a week. what do you think?'

there is a shriek a spin and two tiny arms weight from the strength of the hug.

'coffees on,' says debra.

'well honey, our daughter, has some news for you,' i say.

'is that so? it better be good.'

'mom,' she says and takes her hand,'i have decided i needed a break and am going to stay with you for a week.'

debra gasps and pats her chest as tears come to her eyes, 'really, just a break for a break and not trouble?'

'oh mom, come on, just a break, just a break everything is fine.'

'happy day.'

we sip and chatter like the birds on the line outside.