everyone is asleep now. there is the sound of crickets and coyotes in the slow summer southern oregon night. it took a few years but she finally got me away from drinking and high calorie foods. i can recall her teary eyed reading about the male body type most conducive to heart attack.
'i am worried, you carry all your weight in the middle.' she would say.
'oh, so you think i am a pig?' i would half joke.
'oh no, oh no i think your perfect...' some tears 'and i love you so much i just don't want to lose you.'
'ah, you will be fine i want you to remarry.' i would say.
there would be a soft wheezing silence as she held her head in her hands. there would be the slight bob of her slender shoulders made beautiful in the light. there would be the passionate anger that would cause her to rise and walk towards the bedroom.
'you don't care.' she would toss over her shoulder.
there would be me left alone, stewing, staring at my reflection in the large bay window. my shoulders slightly slouched forward my back curved and a pout belly pressing against the fabric of the shirt. i would consider the television show, i would consider a drink, i would settle on the idea that your married and you have to go into the room lay beside her. i would settle on laying beside her and holding her about the waist as she growled and barked.
'i can't believe you,' she would say.
'a joke, joking c'mon.' i would giggle.
'this is no joke, i mean i would never remarry. would you?'
'it depends on how old i was.'
' i knew it, a man can not be alone.'
we would roll towards each other so our foreheads touching as i kept my grip about her waist.
'i spoil you,' she would say, 'you wouldn't know what it would be...you know what i hope that when i die, god forbid, you do remarry so you can see how good you had it.' she would say and tuck her knees into her stomach.
it is quiet as i watch the moon through our skylight. it is quiet as i remember such things. it is quiet as i see addison stumble into the front room hair askew from sleep. she shuffles across the floor and make her way to my lap. she places her young head against my chest, stretches out her small legs, sighs and stares out the skylight to the moon with her young round face.
we remember our separate visions together. i hold her with one arm about the middle and rub her head with the other.
the great question of life on our minds, 'what's to come?'
as we sit i break the silence.
'our father who art in heaven, hallow be thy name thy kingdom come thy will be done, in earth as it is in heaven. give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those that trespass against us. lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil, for thin is thy power and glory of the father and the son and the holy spirit both now and ever for ages and ages, amen.'
i kiss addison on the top of the head. she lazily twists a cord on her pajamas. we stare up and out, there is not a cloud in the sky as the moon light tumbles down. soft, silent light that highlights our colors and makes us appear clean.
'if anything happened to you i would just die,' she would say knees tucked against her chest. ' i have to go first, i could not live without you. you'll be fine, men always find someone else another woman to take care of them.'
'let's not think of these things.'
'promise me that you will wait a little bit, so people will think you really loved me.' she said.
'i won't get remarried, after you there is nothing, when you go i am going. actually i have to go first, why do you think i am trying to have a heart attack?'
i smile at her until she smiles back.
'promise you'll try, it's just because i love you. i just got you, i don't want to lose you.'
'ok,ok,' i say, 'enough' and pull her close.
we make love.
it is good.
amen.
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